'The Worst Day'

Early morning, a death at the threshold. I saw the sorrow in her tears as she fought them back holding on to hope. But in the midst of it, I felt she knew. Part of her was sure that her husband would not come home again. But this is not a situation that life prepares you for. 

Life does not prepare you for death. And therefore, I did not comprehend.

To be taken through a nine year old's journey through his grief over his father's death, was quite honestly painful. Albeit, it was 'just' a movie, it might as well have been the story of so many people, since the movie is based on the 9/11 terror attack. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I do not know what Daldry aimed at when he directed it. But, what I have taken from it is the fact that there are things we do, that cannot be undone. 

But death defeats all. An absolute?

And yet, life goes on. 

Oskar Schell recalls the day as the 'worst day'. 

I have loved and lost but once so far. My grandfather. Over nine months ago. I remember my father's call that woke me up. I heard his words and merely passed the phone to my brother. I had no reaction then either. Until my uncle called with plans of travel. Pain in each voice from that moment on. The dead one was gone. The living grieved. Sorrow. And as reminded once again as I watched the movie, the feeling of pure helplessness, There is nothing you can do about it. An upsetting fact. 

Perhaps it was one of my worst days. 

Nine months later, to think of the fact brings tears and pain. I do not like to talk about it. But the memories of him bring joy, bring strength and the reminder that LIFE persists. It cannot end, There is little comfort in the fact, but there is much hope in the reality that the choice to remember, and yet to carry on, is to let death have no hold. 

Water's edge

The water’s edge is a strange place to be in the midst of the storm. I can feel the wind rising, but its call is but an echo in my ears. The rain has been battering against the window panes, but even that is only the sound of chimes in the air. My thoughts are louder, now, than all that is around me. I do not wish to go back. There is an escape within these waves. The storm is brewing, but I am still here. It cannot move me.

My eyes are closed, but my other senses tell me all that happens around me. The chill of the rain as it caresses my skin, the cold water that hugs my feet, the wind that bites the warmth out of me with a brutality that seeks to cause pain. The ebb, the flow, the howl, it is all but music, orchestrated like chaos. The scent and taste of salt in my hair and on my lips, draw memories into my vision. I can’t tell which ones I’d want to let go of, even if I could.

There is nowhere I have felt safer, and yet, there is nowhere more dangerous that I have been to as yet. My strength fades. I fall to the ground. There is no part of me that is not soaked to the bone, as the sea smiles in victory.  And yet, it is in the darkness of the storm, that I feel the most empowered. It is in the riot of the wind that the calm surrounds me.  

And it is amidst this assault on my senses that I feel his arms around me. I do not need to be in control. Relief washes over me as I realize that he’s found me. The storm rages ever more so, but it cannot tell whether my tears are my own or that of the rain. But I am safe as I hear him whispering in my ear, ‘I’ll always be here.’

Life is a journey
To each their own.
Death, an adventure
As yet unknown.

Tread

We are each on a path,
That no other may tread for us.
None other may walk beside us.
Except for the brief moments
That we are allowed
To accompany each other.

And in those moments
We find
Who we are;
Who we want to be;
Who we ought to be.

And yet,
Always Incomplete.

Rat Race Manifesto

There will be one day when all humans live in peace... Each one caring for only the simplest of things such as food, water, clothing shelter, etc. Anything more would be a luxury that they cherish dearly, a gift of some sort perhaps from someone dear to them. And they will say, “Our ancestors ran a rat race for nothing. They knew nothing of how to live... They used excessively, wasted everything, and realized always only too late. They spoke of change and life anew. They spoke of being able to fix all that they had ruined. But that’s all they did. Speak. Mere words were their ‘contribution’. They were too busy with the race. Each trying to get ahead of the other and using whatever means are necessary for it. Being the best, or trying to, was most important for their survival. They spent so much time competing, that they lost all sight of the beauty that was around them; all the wonder and magnificence of nature, ignored and eventually destroyed.”  Or will they?

We humans trample over all, thinking we are greater, better, smarter. Yet it is those in sync with nature that know what the Earth needs. They do not cut down trees to construct wider roads. They do not spill oil in the water. They do not pour toxic materials untreated into the water sources. We destroy, they suffer but try to adapt. We destroy some more, they suffer. How much can we expect them to suffer? They do not fight it. When their attempts at adaptation fail, they die out and we grieve for their extinction. And go on with little change.

But this need not be. We can change it. The future is not written in stone. It is carved through the choices we make and through our actions. If not us, then who will help the Earth?  Will there be anyone else to come to save it? Will there be anything left for us to even have descendants who think so badly of us? Will they be able to survive on what we leave, that is, if we leave anything?

The rat race has to stop. The more we race. The less track we have to run on. The more we help each other, the further the track stretches, but it’s no longer a track, more of a road that we travel together. Cooperation and consideration are the keys.

Some say, “What’s the point? It’s all going to perish anyway.” To which we reply, “When we can make things last longer and be of more use, why throw it away now? With your attitudes, everyone might as well destroy all things around them, claiming its just preparation for an even otherwise impending doom.”

This has to stop. We decide. We shall not be wasteful. We shall not be greedy. When we have more, we share. When we have enough, we try to make it last longer than estimated. We are sympathetic to the Earth’s needs. We seek to find new ways to be less wasteful and more economical; optimum use of minimum resources. We can bring the change. We can be the Difference. We are the Difference.

Stories.

There are three kinds of stories I can think of at the moment.

1) True Stories : Those stories of people who have done great things. They've persevered and won battles that most of us can barely even imagine. They earn respect just because they are who they are. They inspire. They're beautiful. These are the ones they make into Hallmark Channel Originals and whatnot :) The others in this group are the ones you tell your best friends - your wonderful idiocies, the beauty in your life, things you couldn't possibly even dream of sharing with anyone who doesn't know you like they know themselves. Or something like that. But basically, my point is. It's all true. Every minute of it that causes pain and joy.

2) Pure Fiction : These are the stories that have immense potential. They can go any direction you want them to. You can fly and breathe under water. Anything your heart can imagine. They can even just be embellished versions of your true stories. They make really good entertainment.

3) Stories from Imbeciles : These are the ones spun by those brilliant imbeciles who like to believe that something's true and want to convince everyone around that it is true. They never benefit anyone. -.- Lol, not worth the time. Not worth the wait. Move on and hurry past, because getting caught in this will just mess with your head so bad you want to pull it off :P

I think I've put them pretty simply for everyone :D It's fun to make lists. Lol, if only I was more organised in classifying other stuff! :D Give me some pointers if you can think of them. Feel free!

Enjoy this one ^.^ It's been a while since I've heard it :D It's a good one to sing when you feel like everyone's trying to pull you down. Much love! Stay connected!

Third Day - Eagles

-.-

Isn't it funny how when you have so many people giving you an opportunity to write everyday almost forcefully and you really really don't want to write.

College. Again. Uni This Time Though.

So, I'm in University now... Hmmmmm.... Lol, still feel the same and yet I feel soooo different.
1) I'm actually looking forward to getting into everything we'll be learning.
2) I'm finally going to be reading Jane Austen and Shakespeare and the likes. Seriously, it's high time and I love the fact that I'm going to be reading and analysing and everything because I'll have no other choice and it's just perfect. Because I want to READ THEM!. Like I said, HIGH TIME!
3) Christ University's campus is just amazing. And I've barely seen it yet. But so far, my favourite place is under the trees where the wind blows beautifully :D :D :D I wonder if I'll feel the same 3 months from now when it gets colder...
4) Lonely Loner that I am :P That's my bro's name for me. I don't think I'm that much of a loner though.
5) Mallu Central! Seriously, I've been there 2 days, and every 3rd person or so has been a Malayalee. And as a matter of fact, there are groups of 3-4 Mallus sitting everywhere :P Especially under the trees where I like to sit and read... They flock together, seniors mostly, but still. I'm intrigued that I manage to find them. Lol. Not that I ever say anything though...
6) I'm singing, ALL THE TIME! :D And I love it! Dunno what it has to do with Uni though :P

In other news,
1. This little kid, barely 2 feet tall walked up in front of my bike today and just put out his hand. And this is where I'm barely able to manage the Activa coz my mum's on it with me, and I've not ridden in over a month especially not with a pillion since I dropped my wallet and took Ru for a ride. Not easy -.- I had no words for the child. Just sadness that the indiscipline of our ancestors is still being handed down through us to the lovely little ones that grace the world :( Sigh...
2. Had an interview for class-rep. Idk but somehow, I don't feel quite comfortable being responsible for other people anymore. Sigh... I used to be nice that way. But after 16, 98 classmates just seemed like I might be asking to blow up.

"Lord, give me grace for this new beginning to shine like a beacon to Your glory." :)
My prayer for the day. Much love and have fun. See ya when I post again :D (hopes there's someone out there) 

My Shadowed Shoes.

Though you wish to walk in my shoes,
I ask you to find your own.
Though they seem inviting,
Remember, they were made in shadows.
My past is mine, and only One knows.
Your path is yours to find.
I ask you to hold my hand,
Walk beside me.
For One, He waits and watches to help.
Let's make shoes for you too, my friend.


Okay, quite literal as well as not I suppose, but this is Day 10 of Joyous June. Any fellow bloggers out there, make use of this opportunity. It's not often someone gives you inspiration and asks you to do whatever creative think you want from it. Hope you feel better Kanika! Thanks for the lovely inspirations :) I really liked this one! <3

Changed.

CHANGE. I sometimes think this is the most difficult word I've ever come across. It's certainly one of the most unpleasant a lot of times. But in the end, it's sort of ridiculous how there's absolutely nothing we can do but accept it, because life always ends up turning out the right way if we do and turning into a big mess whenever we try to resist it :|

     My dear uncle was just telling me how fast we're all growing up. And he's right you know, Joe'll be 16 in 3 months, Mike, 18 in 4 and Imma be 20 in 5?! Seriously, when the heck did we grow so big?! But you know what, I don't feel 20, I don't remember this being what it felt like to be 20 when I imagined it when I thought of someday being 20... I mean like, when I was a kid, maybe what, 5 or 6, there used to be 20-year olds in our house all the time, and I don't really remember imagining myself to grow up into someone like them... I don't think I could quite think that far at that age. Considering, I clearly recall answering a, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question with, "A nurse." Clearly, a lot has changed since then! :P

    I suppose, I was just being a little child then, but when do we actually change from being a little kid who doesn't know much to the billions of different people we are in this world? I mean, considering how much we resist change, it slips in ever so cunningly, innit? Did we ever really notice when we stopped wanting to do something because someone said don't. Did we ever really think about it, when our teachers said do? We just changed as the tide washed over us. I'd say it's a good thing because the smoothest pebbles are found washed in the river. But that doesn't mean we gotta be pebbles and not do anything but take it does it? Think about it? Lemme know :) <3

I tell you, I sure didn't notice a lot of things that changed about me until I looked back on them.

Good night!

Blood and Water.

"So this is a post that I've been trying to make for the past 3 or 4 days..."

      That was the starting line of a post that never got written... And now I'm back in that square wondering why I can't seem to write about what I want to say :\ I even started a small passage in my journal about the same, because apparently it's something I really want to talk about. Okay, so to clue you in on what I'm talking about, have you ever heard the saying, "Blood is thicker than water"? Umm, well, apparently it's a metaphor or something saying that family ties will always be stronger than anything else. And you know what, I agree, but I don't believe that my family is limited to the bloodline I come from.
     You see, I have some people in my life, who are as special to me as anyone in my family has ever been. And that's saying something because I'm yet to know someone who is as fond of their cousins as mine are of each other :)

     And now its been another few days since I restarted the post and the only thing that still makes sense is the title for me.

      See, life is going to throw so many things at me. It wants to knock me down. It wants me to feel like there is no point in anything; like my very existence is pure crap. I won't let it. Because I know that I have a beautiful Creator, who chose me. He made me because He had a plan for me. And no, I'm not saying I'm going to be rich and famous or anything of the sort. I'm saying, that because He loves me, I'll be fine no matter what happens. And I'm so sure because it's when I doubt this that I fall; that I feel like my world could just disintegrate.
     And the thing is, most of the time, I have friends who remind me of this and that's what helps pull me back up. And that is what I believe family is. This support system that God gives us, that we have to draw closer to Him and remind us of His love for us. He tells us that He'll never leave us alone and even if we choose not to remember He's there and lean on Him, He'll give us people to support us.

     So, I don't quite appreciate it when people mock me for who I am, or for my wanting to spend time with my friends over someone I'm related to for the mere fact that "blood is thicker than water". Point is, I don't agree with you. I think each person matters to one another in different ways, and some ties are bonds forever and others are created. But that will never mean the ones created cannot be stronger than the ones that exist by birth.

     I think I managed to sort of get how I feel out right there but not quite sure if its right... But perhaps, it's time to give this post a rest and hope that if I've not said what I want to say in the way it should be said, then it will happen some other day :)

STAY BLESSED. <3

I'm not very creative with my titles am I?

So, a girl I love muchly told me that she likes and reads my blog often, and that I should write longer posts coz otherwise the reading gets over too fast. She knows who she is. I felt so good so I ought to thank her. But the thing is, I haven't really written a long post since then. I don't quite know why, but I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I don't know what to write about. For example, I didn't even know how to title this post :P
       I can't particularly make up humorous lists like desigirl here. That's a talent I truly admire her for... She's one of the few writers who have actually made me laugh out loud. I thoroughly enjoy reading her posts and often wish they were longer or came more often just so I could read more and laugh more. Laughing is good for the health you know? :D
       So basically, I wanted to apologise to the one I've possibly disappointed. I feel bad about it. But I do also think that I'm generally tired by the end of the day coz my holidays are awesome! And I just don't want to think :P
      Oh, you know what, there is this one post, that I've been working on for the past week or two, but it just doens't seem to want to come out of my head completely. Phrasing it feels sooooooo difficult!! -.- Hopefully someday soon, it'll be out. I think I have something solid to say there, whether it matters to anyone or not! It's truly important to me. It's about family ^.^ Keep an eye out for it. It's called Blood and Water :)
     And in the meanwhile, keep praying that I'm inspired to write more. I truly do wish I did write more :) <3 Have a beautiful day!! I have the beach in my future today, God willing, and I'm thoroughly looking forward to it! ^.^ With two people I truly look forward to spending time with :) Trust me, you would too! They make you laugh so so much :D Peace!

I miss you :(

There's this boy. He's about 10. I've known him since the day he was born. I love him oh so much. God picked the perfect angel for me :) No wonder we know He's so perfect. But, at the moment, I miss him like crazy! :(

Rambling

There have been so many days where I have spent hours and hours in my head throughout the day thinking about things that would be good to write about. But the moment I have my blog page open, I can't remember a thing. The fury I'd felt, the sense of being lost and confused, the joy and sorrow... everything just stops and points to this blank that does not let me write. So I decided, I'd just start somewhere, be it the same topic everyday of how my rambling is just rambling, perhaps this way I may at least learn of some new ways to write it :P
      Today was brilliant. I walked into a room full of people I knew, and felt completely at home and at peace. It was simply delightful. There really is no place like home and I truly believe home is where your heart is and is with whomever you've chosen to share your heart with.
      There are surely moments, though, when people disappoint you. They may ease you into or do it quick and so-called painlessly, but its still going hurt immensely. And it tears you down. And what I've learnt is that broken hearts are like tormenting scars... they will be there forever.
     Over time, I've forgotten how I was hurt, why I chose to forgive, why I chose to detach... but so long as I'm unable to put it behind me, and move on, the scar lives on... Some days it fades... Other days I see it so clearly, it hurts... And then I realise, maybe it was something I did, maybe it was something I said and maybe it wasn't my fault at all. But I was hurt deeply and I don't trust them with my heart again. It really is a fragile thing you know, there are only so many pieces I can give to them, or rather I'm willing to give to them...
      But the thing is, if they hurt you, its their loss. But if you choose to let it get you down, its yours. If someone cannot see what you are worth, who you are... don't bother.
I'm not really quite sure where I'm rambling to at the moment O.o But I think the point of what I'm trying to say is that even if you let situations change you, don't let it be for the worse. Don't let it harden your heart and learn to always be warm despite anything the cruel world throws at you. I know, and am quite truly blessed to be knowing, that it's not the world that decides our worth. It was decided a long long time ago on a tree that died so that another would die on it, because He loved us all.
      It can't be called love if one cannot learn to love like this. Yeah, it hurts sometimes. Maybe a lot of the time. But what comes back to encourage me, is the thought of a world where everyone treats each other with the very same love and respect. Dang, what a world that would be, innit?

Dear Daughter

A must read of a brilliant thought in simple words that brightens one's day and reminds one of the simplest thing we all must remember :) Vanya Rachel, the author of this brilliant article, has captured it beautifully and I encourage all wanderers through my blog to read it :) <3

Parallel Voices

Have you ever had those days or even moments where there are so many ridiculous voices in your head that all you want to do is scream!?!

No?

Really?

Then, I am going crazy?! :|

Oh brilliant, isn't that just what I needed.
   

I really don't like it when so many voices say so many different things whether any of it is relevant to the present situation or naught. 

Seriously though.

When was the last time any of you had the chance to wake up to silence. And then you slowly realise that you're actually listening to the sound of birds saying good morning.

It's different when you're listening. It's different to hear it anew. It's just different. You can't help but sing a song of worship with them :) <3

Enjoy!

Reminiscing...

Everytime I come back here, I reminisce on days that I used to love being here... I still do... Until some things come up that people just won't let go. I mean seriously, NONE of your business. Just let it go... Ah well :) Life goes on, I'll be home soon. :P But, you'll always be family and I'll still always love you. Just don't think I can handle more than two days of the same topics arising which really have no point in being brought up.

To write.

So I've been asked to write an article for the YFC newsletter. I don't quite know why she asked me, but now I need to write it. And I really don't know where to even start. Thing is, being a believer and a writer both, ought I not be able to write this? Sincerely clueless here right now. Praying for wisdom :) 

Chocolate.

I just ate Snickers! And I'm just wondering out loud... So you don't necessarily need to give me an answer... But!

Is chocolate tempered differently for different countries so that it may stay a certain consistency in said climate?

I hope you lot had as good a day as I did :) Coz I doubt it could have been better :) Much love!

(PS. This is my feeble attempt at making a short post, just to prove to myself that it's possible.)
[*Forcibly restrains self from typing further]